Everybody wins
by Megaphone.Kills.You
Summary: In which everybody wins. That is, everybody who isn't Sasuke. A tale of Madara's insanity, crossdressing, competitions, suffering and hitmen. :T for language: Not Sasuke-bashing:


**So now I am trying to overcome my writer's block with humorous/cracky writing.  
Let me present to you my newest One Shot. Enjoy! ^^**

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If he were anyone else and if this were any other dimension, Sasuke would've laughed.

Alright, clearly they must already be in another universe because this absurd scenario could never ever in forever exist in the real world. But the adolescent Uchiha is pretty convinced that he is still himself, so he still won't laugh. Like, seriously. It's really not his thing.

It all started with Madara being an ass. Which he never stops being by the way, just so you know. Sasuke wants you to keep that in mind. Everything always starts with Madara. That guy has a tendency to get bored in the span of five minutes without constant entertainment and his alleged genius mind invents the most idiotic plots to kill some time until something more interesting comes around.

This time it was a scavenger hunt.

Participants were not willing. Madara is not only the master in annoying the shit out of people, being an ass, being a smart-assed genius and throwing temper tantrums, but he also mastered the art of blackmailing. Zetsu provides him dutifully with the material, the bastard.

Deidara, Sasuke, Naruto and Obito thus found themselves participating in this little event and also wearing dresses for some reason. Nobody wanted to question this, although they all were equally uncomfortable with donning the garments.

Sasuke skimmed over the list handed to him in distaste, the scowl on his face making it obvious that he totally didn't want anything to do with this. The objects he was required to obtain ranged from Happy Meal toys to one of Hashirama's hairs (that one took his discomfort to whole new level) and the task were of similar ridiculous nature. What else was to be expected of Madara though.

Competitive by nature and a little sore about his best friend's comment about how his dress was _so_ not doing good things to his figure, Sasuke was bend on winning. He suppressed the urge to cringe even when he visited a hot spring with Sai. Who is the last person to ever take on such a trip if you don't want to feel humiliated and strangely violated afterward. He even managed to feign an expression of apathy for the photographs taken to proof the event taking place. Sai smiled creepily into the camera, as always.

When the teenager crossed out the last thing on his list, a sigh of relief escaped him. Get a grip on yourself Sasuke, will you. You're destroying your image of an ice block; think of all the poor fangirls you're hurting with being part of the human species and experiencing actual emotions.

He was about to proudly return to his crazy cousin, when his eyes caught sight of a sentence that told him to flip the page over as more tasks were listed there. Aw fuck.

There was actually only one more task to complete, but this was the most disturbing one.

"Dispose of one of the other players. Your player: Deidara"

What was Madara even thinking. Was he serious. Was Sasuke seriously taking this task serious. Yes. Yes he was. Joking was never his forte. And he didn't particularly like Deidara, so this was kinda okay with him, on some level. He'd win, he'd get out of this dress, Deidara would be dead and maybe Madara would leave him alone. Everybody wins. Everybody who is Sasuke.

He pondered over how to finish the bothersome blonde off.

The list didn't explicitly say he'd have to be the one to do the actual deed and he didn't want blood on his shirt, and, you know, the police hunting him down. So he settled on hiring a contract killer. He knew just the person to turn to; conveniently his older brother Itachi and his weird boyfriend/friend/creepy stalker had chosen such professions if Sasuke remembered correctly. And Itachi could never turn down his brother's requests.

The older Uchiha frowned when Sasuke explained the situation to him. The younger sibling tried to stress the advantages for both of them and the frown deepened. Eventually they sealed the deal though. Kisame, the other hitman, grinned broadly throughout the whole ordeal. Sasuke wondered if it was due to facioplegia because it was really creeping him out.

Sasuke arranged a meeting between himself and Deidara at a tiny café where nobody ever goes because the owner had called it Orochi's Tea Palace and that makes for bad associations. Deidara looked disgruntled and his baby blue dress had seen better days, the Uchiha noted with satisfaction.

Itachi and Kisame were disguised as normal people and while Deidara prattled on and on about how Jiraiya totally tried to look down the front of his dress, Sasuke waited for the two to finally do their job. Too bad neither seemed to care about that anymore. Itachi just calmly sipped his tea and was engaged in a quiet and apparently pleasant conversation with Kisame.

"…and then he grabbed my ass, like, excuse me, I don't look that much like a girl, un!"

That was the last straw. That fucking 'un' that the blonde artist liked to put at the end of sentences because he thought it made him sound cool and like some hip and intellectual but quirky artist. In a rare display of intense emotion, Sasuke got up and literally flipped his shit, with the shit being a table. Turning his face towards his brother and Mr Facioplegia (that grin just couldn't be natural Sasuke decided) he all but shouted "What the fuck do you think you're doing?! Kill him already!"

Itachi blinked, face completely blank. He took another sip from his tea. "I can't. I'm still drinking my tea" he stated and simply returned to his undoubtedly sophisticated bullshit-conversation.

Deidara, who was offended for some reason that Sasuke wanted to kill him, then proceeded to lunge himself at Sasuke and a fist fight ensued.

As their wounds were treated, Sasuke glowered angrily at Itachi who stood there with his face as unreadable as ever. "Why didn't you kill him" the younger brother mumbled, obviously not pouting as pouting is also a thing that Sasuke does not indulge in.

For a second Itachi looked as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn't. He inconspicuously pulled out an innocent piece of paper. "Pretend you are a contract killer" was written on it. The list was quickly shoved back into the mysterious pocket from where it came. "Scavenger hunt" was everything the older Uchiha muttered. His eyes darted from left to right and back once more.

And here we are again.

Today reminded us of our wonderful lesson that everything always starts with Madara and Madara is the biggest ass on earth.


End file.
